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. I killed him a thousand times over in my mind.... His form extinguished by the hood of my car raging into him outside of his jock club, the mma fighting club where I'd first gotten homoerotic thoughts about him. I held it back and back and back... until one day, I thrust my index finger into my rectum and imagined myself dominated by all those who had flaunted their large male members. Even then, though, my killing thoughts lingered. I swore when I went off to college I would come back and kill him in the evening hours, my trusty green car battering the life out of him as I spun my tires away back to Maryland, awaiting a call that my friend had been killed, by a stranger no less. But I didn't. I stayed my killing hand. I turned my thoughts to homosexual images of buff, bulging men muscles, glittering in tan, surreal Apollo rooms, while I shut myself in my college dormroom. That night, that first night, I let it all loose. I tendered my small member to the image of a Blonde god, a 14. ’ It was a man’s name. ‘Chad.’ ‘Chad?’ It was the first word she’d uttered in over a week. Her eye was honing in on Mary Hendricks’s face. She saw the intensification of the look of concern. The hardening of the edges around the mouth. Not noncommittally frigid today. She must really be worried about something. ‘No excitement, Ally. You’ll be fine. Here, the nurses are here now. Just take it slow.’ The face of the deputy chief of mission of the U.S. Embassy in Amman, Jordan, disappeared from view to be replaced by those of two nurses, one female and one male—in khaki—bustling around her bed, checking this, adjusting that, and emitting clucking noises. God how she hated the color khaki. But then that thought was replaced by something more urgent, more shocking. Remembering what Mary had said about her being in the right place. ‘Bomb,’ Mary Hendricks had said. Bomb wounds. Her left side. ‘Chad,’ she said again, this time more as a moaned statement than a question. And once again, none.
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